The Struggle for Independence

For some reason, we forget what it is to be a teenager. We forget how devious, scheming, naive, energetic and insecure it is to be a teenager. Today, our teens are bombarded with subtle messages about how to live and how to beileve. It is the full time job of parents and pastors and guardians to help our teens make good choices. And yet, teens begin to see adults as the enemy.

Something happens to your lovely kids once they hit the teenage years. Suddenly they are transformed into these other beings with mood swings, secrets, arguments and so forth. Well, some of this is natural. The teenage years are the time when children are seeking to explore their own idenpendence. We have a desire to be independent, to do our own thing.

It's during the teenage years that many of us began to push the lines of what was accepted. Some of us learned quickly that sometimes the lines pushed back. Most of us grow out of the teenage years and become responsible adults. Teenagers need to push those limits. They need to be released from the shelter of the parents and experience more of life on their own. The more we protect them during this time, the more likelihood that we could end up handicapping them later in life. We have to let them make mistakes and experience the consequences of those mistakes. But this doesn't mean total freedom and it doesn't mean that the parents aren't in charge.

Showing Responsibility

Teens, while pushing for independence, also need guidelines. They will fight any limit or restriction placed on their freedom and autonomy, but most are desperate for security that your rules and policies provide. There needs to be rules in your home, with clear consequences. You should expect your teenager to push the limits. Explain to them that as they demonstrate responsibility, they will earn greater freedom. Unfortunately, we have many teens who want freedom without responsibility. During the teenage years, this becomes your primary duty: to teach your teen responsibility.

How is the teen showing responsibility? Grades in school? Chores around the house? Coming home on time? How are you, as a parent, demonstrating greater trust and freedom? Can you extend the curfew? A part-time job? More latitude in the music they listen to? More time on the phone?

Family Time

Finally, don't give in on family time. Just because a teenager would rather be with friends doesn't mean that we don't eat dinner together as a family every night. You should also have a family night where your family gets together and watch movies, does a Bible study or plays a game. Make it every Sunday night or whenever as long as it is a routine. For example, every Monday night is family night. No excuses. Everyone eats dinner around the dinner table, helps with cleaning up and then we all play a game, watch a movie and then have a Bible study before bed.

Don't be shocked that your teen is rebelling slightly..pushing the norms and rules. This is natural. Respond with predetermined concequenses. If the rebellion gets too far..well, that's why we have programs like DC Teen Discipleship. The teenage years are hard on parents. Hang in there and remember, your kids will have kids one day and then they'll understand what they put you through.